Silly Gays, Marriage is for Straights

“Even if marriage between same-sex partners is legalized, which would certainly create an end to anyone’s political career, homosexuals in America will not be considered normal or ordinary in any way. Get used to it,” -Nicholas Benjamin in a letter to the editor

Jonathan Chapman / Columnist

In last week’s opinion section, a letter was published condemning homosexuals. Through the author’s convincing argument and expert use of biblical texts, I came to two conclusions. My first conclusion is that gay people are disgusting — this is not opinion, this is a simple fact. The second is that gay people should not be allowed to marry. Upon researching ways to fix the problem of gays in America, I stumbled across a list on why gay people should not marry. Published by Gator Gay-Straight Alliance at www.gatorgsa.org/gaymarriage.html, I think it presents my thoughts perfectly.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, blacks can't marry whites and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer life spans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

Clearly, homosexuals do not deserve the right to marry. Their attempts to corrupt the political and religious structure of this nation must not be taken lightly. They are a burden upon society. I firmly believe that we should lock them all up and get on with our own private lives. Honestly, who needs them? They are only human; we could do much better seeing as though the whole heterosexual population is the definition of perfection.

My final wish, beyond the prohibition of gay marriage, is that this world might find more people to judge these homosexuals. We need more people to use their voice to alienate and hurt a group that has directly affected each and every person in this world. It’s not mean, if it’s true.

Here is how we are going to do it. We should buy Bibles for all those who hate gays. Then, let them find ambiguous scripture, and immediately attack homosexuals because Leviticus clearly states (as its one and only law) “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable,” Leviticus 18:22 — that’s all the proof I need.

In addition, Jesus teaches us to push away all groups that differ from us and to offer them nothing but contempt and hate. Obviously, Christianity is about exclusiveness.

To all those who are homosexual, and therefore are not normal and never will be, you should get used to being considered unequal. It is just the way the world works.*

*For those who don’t recognize it, this is sarcasm. Wait, the whole thing is.