The Guru

"Dear Guru – I really need your help. My boyfriend isn’t the best in bed and I don’t know how to help him without hurting his feelings. Any tips?”

Have you ever noticed how men never seem to stop and ask for directions? (This is rhetorical, of course.)

Honestly, I don’t think I have enough fingers to count the amount of times I have gone around and around in circles because the male driving wouldn’t stop and ask for some help. And I mean more than just in the car.

Unfortunately, this inherently male trait does show up in more places than just the driver’s seat. Although the driver’s seat is quite an enjoyable location … shot gun!

There are all kinds of places in which both men and women, need a little guidance. If only GPS worked on the body.

There are many hidden things about a person that one does not discover until the lights are turned off, or maybe just dimmed – such as an attack by a bad kisser.

Oh, they exist alright. I have encountered my share of sloppy, tongue-jabbing, teeth-bumping kissers.

Some memories should just be forgotten.

It’s not like we don’t know these people walk among us. It’s just hard to let them know. And men think they have it hard with the “Do I look fat in this?” issue.

It’s not that men aren’t aware of their helplessness when it comes to directions, it’s just that they are afraid – afraid that to ask for help is to admit that they are wrong, which would somehow imply they are not masculine (this is my interpretation, of course).

Just like any other problem in a relationship, honesty is key.

Now, by honesty I do not mean screaming out, “STOP, you are disgusting!” That just won’t work. Although in some cases it may be necessary.

What you need to do is direct your man without really directing him. Positive reinforcement works so much better. Trust me, my grades rise significantly whenever my parents mention shoes.

The same goes in bed. (No, not the shoes. Unless they are stilettos.)

Whenever your boyfriend does something that you do like, let him know it. Moan, groan, scream, bite, do whatever you want. If you aren’t too vocal, a simple “mmmm” works just fine.

However, if he can’t do anything right, which is a very rare case indeed, then a slight bit of oral direction may be needed.

Try “I would love it if you would …” or, “You know what would really make me hot?”

Dirty vocals work every time. Trust me.

If nothing else, you can always wander into the “help” section of any bookstore. The literature available is enormous. So take a few seconds and look. From the “Kama Sutra” to “Sex for Dummies,” there is sure to be something that interests you.

Bedtime is always better with a picture book.

Despite what society tries to dictate, sex is a vital part of any romantic relationship. And if after multiple attempts he just can’t get you to the destination, it may be time to find another driver.