Polar bear plunge leads to unprecedented mauling
Bryan Ray / Opinions Editor
Last Thursday, many students participated in the
ill-conceived Polar Bear Plunge. While the invigoratingly
crisp, clear waters of Lake Mary Nell were enough to lure
many students to its pristine grassy banks, a surprising few
were deterred because they were facing almost certain death
by a pack of polar bears.
Despite their cute appearance, polar bears may be the most
dangerous of all bears. Described as the “most
carnivorous” of all the bear family, and known to hunt
humans out of habit, male polar bears have been recorded
weighing 660 and 1,300 pounds, making even the smallest bears
more than three times the weight of the heaviest
The largest male reportedly weighed 1,000 pounds, and
actually smiled as he watched the scantily clad students
prepare to thumb their noses at nature and common
“I haven’t the slightest idea why these kids
would want to swim with a predator that hunts walruses and
beluga whales,” said Bill McMarney, polar bear
wrangler. “This thing’s a born killer!”
McMarney was clutching a powerful hunting rifle throughout
the entire event.
Daniel Forsyth appearing apprehensive said, “You know,
this might not be a good idea, but my friend Joey bet me
thirty bucks that I wouldn’t do it, so of course I had
to try.” He was devoured by ravenous bears moments
after jumping into the lake.
Despite three previous polar bear events, coordinators
wanted to spice up the event, especially since the last event
was canceled due to water contamination. “That’s
why the polar bears were so aggressive. The warmer water was
agitating them,” McMarney said. A witness overhearing
the conversation yelled, “They’re bloody polar
bears; that’s why they’re agitated!” The
witness would not comment further.
More than a thousand witnesses showed up to watch the
spectacle from behind a sturdy barrier. Many wielding
camcorders or cellular phones were speaking excitedly to
friends and families not present.
In total, 43 students showed up to take part in the event.
Most cited that their motivation was the free T-shirt and hot
chocolate. Many of the students, after leaping into an
unknown fate, disappeared, as the surface of the water seemed
to boil with activity. Many students, satisfied with their
adventure, ready to enjoy hot chocolate and claim their
t-shirt, attempted to crawl out of the lake, but were pulled
back into the lake by eager bears.
Emergency services stood by to treat any students or polar
bears who contracted hypothermia or received minor injuries
from “rough housing” in the lake. While 37
students decided never to leave, six participants left the
lake early, having experienced as much frivolity as they
Two had minor lacerations and blood loss, one suffered from a freak amputation of the leg and three reported some routine internal bleeding. A few of the polar bears were treated for stomach aches. All are said to have suffered from an overdose of fun! “Hopefully the next Elon event will be as much fun. I hope they release starving tigers into the Turkey Trot next year,” exclaimed Jose Alvera, raising a mangled limb in the air in triumph. “That would be loads of fun!”