Polar bear plunge leads to unprecedented mauling

Bryan Ray / Opinions Editor

Last Thursday, many students participated in the ill-conceived Polar Bear Plunge. While the invigoratingly crisp, clear waters of Lake Mary Nell were enough to lure many students to its pristine grassy banks, a surprising few were deterred because they were facing almost certain death by a pack of polar bears.

Despite their cute appearance, polar bears may be the most dangerous of all bears. Described as the “most carnivorous” of all the bear family, and known to hunt humans out of habit, male polar bears have been recorded weighing 660 and 1,300 pounds, making even the smallest bears more than three times the weight of the heaviest “plunger.”

The largest male reportedly weighed 1,000 pounds, and actually smiled as he watched the scantily clad students prepare to thumb their noses at nature and common sense.

“I haven’t the slightest idea why these kids would want to swim with a predator that hunts walruses and beluga whales,” said Bill McMarney, polar bear wrangler. “This thing’s a born killer!” McMarney was clutching a powerful hunting rifle throughout the entire event.

Daniel Forsyth appearing apprehensive said, “You know, this might not be a good idea, but my friend Joey bet me thirty bucks that I wouldn’t do it, so of course I had to try.” He was devoured by ravenous bears moments after jumping into the lake.

Despite three previous polar bear events, coordinators wanted to spice up the event, especially since the last event was canceled due to water contamination. “That’s why the polar bears were so aggressive. The warmer water was agitating them,” McMarney said. A witness overhearing the conversation yelled, “They’re bloody polar bears; that’s why they’re agitated!” The witness would not comment further.

More than a thousand witnesses showed up to watch the spectacle from behind a sturdy barrier. Many wielding camcorders or cellular phones were speaking excitedly to friends and families not present.

In total, 43 students showed up to take part in the event. Most cited that their motivation was the free T-shirt and hot chocolate. Many of the students, after leaping into an unknown fate, disappeared, as the surface of the water seemed to boil with activity. Many students, satisfied with their adventure, ready to enjoy hot chocolate and claim their t-shirt, attempted to crawl out of the lake, but were pulled back into the lake by eager bears.

Emergency services stood by to treat any students or polar bears who contracted hypothermia or received minor injuries from “rough housing” in the lake. While 37 students decided never to leave, six participants left the lake early, having experienced as much frivolity as they could handle.

Two had minor lacerations and blood loss, one suffered from a freak amputation of the leg and three reported some routine internal bleeding. A few of the polar bears were treated for stomach aches. All are said to have suffered from an overdose of fun! “Hopefully the next Elon event will be as much fun. I hope they release starving tigers into the Turkey Trot next year,” exclaimed Jose Alvera, raising a mangled limb in the air in triumph. “That would be loads of fun!”